Today is a great day for us that belong to the Benevolent Football Haters of the World. I know it is Super Ball Sunday the day of gluttonous hype and foreplay (aka pre-game bore). In our creed of the BFHW we stand by the fact that football has the highest ratio of wasting time to actual action of any endeavor since watching Big Brother on TV. You ask why someone as myself that detests the game of football would claim the "day of holies" to all the worshipers at the temple of pig skin to be a day of happiness for me. I realize this day provides opportunities to a number of old has-been jocks that sadly hang on to the theory that they can be a football player forever. These sad examples of ultimate denial find gameful employment providing "color commentary" which translates to stalling for time while you wait for another 60 secs. of actual action. Who cares if that All American tight end draft pick once read Huckleberry Finn from front to back. I have come to believe that the use of steroids does promote senseless mundane comments.
I am convinced that there is a conspiracy going on that the football fanatic has fallen victim to without his knowledge. Yes it is a conspiracy by retailers to prey on the unsuspecting disciples of the gridiron. What do you think for retailers to be their saving salvation after the holidays? That's right it is Super Bowl Sunday. Let's clear out all those big screen T.V.'s that didn't sell at Christmas even if we marked them down. Let's mark them back up and you bet your beer nuts Joe Armchair Quarterback will be throwing down the rent and grocery money just to see Bill Madden all blown up in digital...Yikes. How about all those stale chips and booze that didn't sell for New Years. Don't worry Mr. Retailer we can palm them off on the unsuspecting party thrower. All they want is quantity to satiate the rowdy hoardes flocking to watch the game on their new big screen T.V. (purchased by aforementioned Joe A. Quarterback). When the inventory tax was still in effect in our state Super Sucker oops I mean Super Bowl Sunday was the last hurrah to shove that old inventory out the door before you had to pay taxes on it. Let's not forget the professional cleaners. It is one of their most revered holidays. After the boys throw back all those brewskys and the 3rd and 4th pizza land upside down on the carpet...Mrs. Joe A. Quarterback has to call in the pros to reclaim her carpet from squaller. There is nothing that truly shows the finest elements of capitalism at work than unloading a bunch of marked up merchandise to promote raucious, degrading behavior watching a over sold, over promoted blow out sporting event where the overpriced commercial is clamored for. And what conversation do you hear the most on post Monday? That's right the bad half time show and the commercials. Well viewer you have just been duped for another year. You ingested the biggest dose of commercial manipulation imaginable and here's the plus...you get to have a hangover the next morning. Isn't free enterprise wonderful?
Enough of my assessment of the positive points of football. Today will be last day for a while that we will have to work our way around the T.V. channels to avoid this "sport?" The most important thing about today is.....fanfare please.... that's right it is PUPPY BOWL IV on Animal Planet. For this and only this today deserves to be circled on your calendar. This event is a physical contest with players that play because they really love to play with each other. They are not playing to try and secure a place on a Chunky Soup commercial for Bubba and his momma. They don't care which team wins. Heavens they even switch teams mid play. Unlike football we don't have to watch a embarrassing juvenile display when a goal is scored. And here is another plus. At half time we don't have to worry if we have to watch a half-time show that is in poor taste or no-talent. The only wardrobe failures here are in the privacy of your own home not on the T.V. The kitties provide the half time show so there are plenty of babes for the fellas to watch and lots of glitter, flash and feathers for the ladies. So I leave you with this thought
Puppy Bowl on T.V.=$0.00, Extra Microwave Popcorn=$1.50, Not having to worry about watching a Michael Jackson commercial-
Happy Sunday to all of you....regardless of your "persuasions"